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SATIRE: Homeland Security Bans Urine From Flights

The Spoof
Wednesday, February 14, 2007  

In a press release from the Secretary of Homeland Security, Michael Chertoff, earlier today, it appears passengers with any sort of liquid in their bodies will not be allowed to board.

"It is just too big of a security risk," Chertoff said. "We have found various different methods that people wishing to do the US in could smuggle explosives into their person, if you will."

The President also commented, stating, "I don't really know how we didn't catch this sooner. However, the American people need not worry. We will win this fight against terrorists. Because as they say, terrorists are like rocks. And the US is like scissors. And everyone knows scissors cut up rocks."

Homeland Security agents have already been briefed on how to search for urine. "It's basically a cross between tickling someone and punching them in the stomach," agent Mike Croack said. "We just start hitting them really hard for about 20 minutes. If they pee, then obviously they were hiding it. Just last week I beat this Islamic grandmother. She peed. Right now, she's in Guantanamo until she tells us what plot she was a part of."

The law was put into effect Wednesday and has already affected some would-be travelers. For instance, Megan Malkain recently adopted a baby from Taiwan, and was denied access to the plane as her baby was found to have over 4 ounces of urine in her possession.

"I was getting onto the plane to take my baby daughter home, and an Air Marshal stopped me," Malkain stated. "I didn't know about the law. I would never have even adopted if I knew my child could be a terrorist."

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