In a press release from the Secretary of Homeland Security,
Michael Chertoff, earlier today, it appears passengers with any
sort of liquid in their bodies will not be allowed to board.
"It is just too big of a security risk," Chertoff said.
"We have found various different methods that people wishing
to do the US in could smuggle explosives into their person, if
you will."
The President also commented, stating, "I don't really know
how we didn't catch this sooner. However, the American people
need not worry. We will win this fight against terrorists. Because
as they say, terrorists are like rocks. And the US is like scissors.
And everyone knows scissors cut up rocks."
Homeland Security agents have already been briefed on how to
search for urine. "It's basically a cross between tickling
someone and punching them in the stomach," agent Mike Croack
said. "We just start hitting them really hard for about 20
minutes. If they pee, then obviously they were hiding it. Just
last week I beat this Islamic grandmother. She peed. Right now,
she's in Guantanamo until she tells us what plot she was a part
of."
The law was put into effect Wednesday and has already affected
some would-be travelers. For instance, Megan Malkain recently
adopted a baby from Taiwan, and was denied access to the plane
as her baby was found to have over 4 ounces of urine in her possession.
"I was getting onto the plane to take my baby daughter home,
and an Air Marshal stopped me," Malkain stated. "I didn't
know about the law. I would never have even adopted if I knew
my child could be a terrorist."
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